Is it the mid-life crisis?

Ever since the days of  forced phys. ed. classes back in high school, I’ve slowly gained weight.  Lots of beer in college put on a few pounds, as did a long career as a desk jockey.  I’m not sure what finally was the kick in the ass, but I decided to finally get off mine and do something about it.  Nothing too drastic.  No fad diets.  Just cutting down on the junk, eating smaller portions, etc.  But what really got the pounds to drop was actual physical exertion.  Go figure. 

Instead of making the most of my Septa trailpass (taking the bus or subway the last few blocks to work), I decided to walk from Market East Station.  A few weeks later, I started walking from Suburban Station.  Now 30th Street.  It’s a nice 25-block, two-mile walk in the morning.  It’s a habit now. 

Then I started jogging in the morning when I have time.  A mile or two in the neighborhood, around the blocks, up and down the hills.  And by jog I mean run.  8 minute miles.  I don’t know how to relax. 

Needless to say, I’m down about 20-25 pounds.  And my pants are loose.  My belts on the last hole don’t do much to keep them up. Worse yet, my cargo shorts are loose.  Really loose.  I was pushing my daughter on the swings the other day, and my shorts were so low, my boxers were hanging out a couple of inches.  I’m not trying to dress like a teenager.  Really, I’m not. 

Back in March, I wore a different Yankee cap every day without repeating, and chronicled it on facebook.  Anybody who knows me knows I wear one all the time.  People may think I’m balding, since I wear one all the time, but I’m not.  As one could assume, I have “good” ones and “bad” ones.  Some have been relegated to yard work, and now, my morning runs. 

My go-to is a faded and paint-splattered Twins Enterprises fitted slouch cap, size medium.  It’s probably more than 10 years old, and has countless road-trip miles.  The great thing about it is that I can sweat in it like an animal, and then throw it in the wash.  It comes out clean and smelling great, ready for more abuse.  But now that it’s nice and broken in, it’s starting to show it’s age…the fabric on the edge of the brim is starting to go.  Oh, the horror.  And it’s in my line of vision, and driving me nuts.

You can tell the generational difference that I’m 35 and still bend my rims, and the young kids keep them flat.  But what drives me insane are the hats that you can buy stained, faded, and frayed – RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING SHELF!!!  This hat took YEARS of hard work to look this way.  Those whippersnappers don’t appreciate an honest day’s work…

A few requests from my inner male chauvinist…

I tend to think I’m a pretty likable guy, but at the same time, I can be a prick.  Just ask my wife. 

1. Hey ladies, the lovely week we just had otherwise known as spring is over, and summer is upon us.  With that brings a variety of flip-flops, sandals, and open-toed shoes.  I don’t care the color, I don’t care if you do it yourself, I don’t care if you use a Sharpie, but paint your fucking toes.  They don’t have to match your hands.  French is acceptable.  But if your toenails are unkept, please put on sneakers.  You have until the weekend.  You’ve been warned.

2. Attention ladies of Philadelphia: If you are going to bare your legs, please shave them, especially if your legs are harier than mine.  You know who you are.  This is the United States of America.  Women shave their legs in this country.

Some friendly advice…

Welcome to Philadelphia.  Now GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!!

There’s days I just want to scream that. 

Spring is in the air, flowers are blooming, the skirts are getting shorter…that can only mean one thing: IT’S TOURIST SEASON!!! 

Tourist Season hits all major cities this time of year.  Some get it worse than others.  But locals dread it, especially if you work in close proximity to tourist attractions, like I do.  Now I understand how important the trouism industry is to the local economy, and there’s reasons they flock to Center City as opposed to say, Fishtown.  Or Times Square as opposed to Bed-Stuy up in New York. 

Now we’ve all been tourists when we’re not on our home turf at one point or another.  But here’s what you can do as Joe Q. Public as to not to piss off the locals. 

1. Walk with a purpose.  Not everybody is on vacation like you are.  Some of us have things to do, places to be.  You may be in the mood for a leisurely stroll, but I’m late for the train!

2. Don’t block the sidewalk.  I’m not advocating for marching single-file, but when there’s four of you house fraus lumbering down the sidewalk like you’re in a chorus line, somebody is going to knock you over.

3. Digital cameras are great.  Snap all the pictures you want.  But don’t stop short because you want to snap a picture of a trolley bus/homeless man/non-descript historic building.  Again, you’re going to get rolled. 

4. If you’re on a duck tour and quack at people walking down the street, you’re open season for any verbal insult or hand gesture.

Enjoy your stay in Philly (or fill in the blank).  When we see you going into the Hard Rock Cafe or Applebees because you’re afraid to try the local cuisine, or God forbid, something new, we’ll point and laugh at you.

Any questions?

From time to time, I’ll throw out the phrases, “Say what you mean and mean what you say,” and, “Hear me now and understand me later.”  And one of my favorites from stolen from Don Geronimo, “Lear to listen; listen to learn.” 

But people throw out phrases where they think will help society, but they’re taken all wrong.  Lucky for you, I’m here to help.

“Question everything.”  You seriously can’t question everything.  It’s impossible.  You have to go on in life just taking some things for granted.  Gravity, breathing, the Phighting Phils won the World Series last year, etc.  You can’t question facts.  What people should say is, “Question why.”  Why don’t I float off into space?  Can I live without breathing.  How the hell did the Phils and Tampa Bay sneak under the radar and shock the country into making the World Series?

“Question authority.”  These people are just asses.  Authority is in place to prevent chaos and anarchy.  You don’t have to agree with the powers that be, but they’re in place for a reason.  Question their motives, question their policies, but when a Connecticut state trooper pulls you over for doing 75 on I-84, then is not the time to mouth off to him saying you’re following your inalienable right for the pursuit of happiness.   Walking up and ringing the Liberty Bell with a 12 pound sledge is not “freedom of speech”.  It’s a shortcut to the pokey.  And to the top of the list of people Philadelphians hate the most.

What we should really do is question why or question how.  What’s the thinking behind that?  How does that work.  Why was that built that way?  Curiosity is healthy!  Google is your friend.   Knowledge is power.  Enough of it will get you onto Jeopardy.

But here’s a good one I learned on the old Don and Mike Show:  “Don’t answer a question with a question!”  But by that, when somebody asks you a question, give them a direct answer, not their same question hashed back.  “Did you eat the cake?”  “Did I eat the cake?”  NO!  Man up!  Admit it or flat out lie, but DON’T ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION!!!

Confused yet?