There’s a whole lot of shtick in the newspapers on how New York can try to improve cheesesteaks (My answer: they can’t.  If you want one, hope in your car or take a train ride.), or how Philly can improve pizza (My answer: again, they can’t.  It’s the local water that makes the dough perfect.).  And still, there’s two things down here that don’t improve the two locality’s mainstays, just something different: (cheese)steak as a topping on pizza is one thing I haven’t seen in New York, and it’s pretty fucking good.  And I’ve once had (down here) a shop that made a reuben cheesesteak.  Yes, corned beef on the griddle, chopped, with Swiss.  It’s not a cheesesteak by any stretch, but a good gutbuster.

So there’s no point in putting pizza and cheesesteaks head-to-head.  New York makes the best pizza, and I wouldn’t dare buy a cheesesteak outside a 25-mile radius of the Liberty Bell.  It’s comparing apples to oranges.  There needs to be an apples-to-apples comparison.  Hoagies vs. heroes?  They’re both sandwiches, and it’s just semantics.  Philadelphia cream cheese is something you put on New York bagels, and goes into New York cheesecake. 

There is one thing that both cities love, and can brag about: soft pretzels.  They’re quintiessential New York, and quintiessential Philly.  They’re the same, but different.

philly.com

The shape of the Philly pretzel is what throws the out-of-towners for a loop.  They look like soft pretzels, but were squished together.  I joke that they look like they didn’t have enough baking pans and too much dough, so they squished them together.  What they really resemble are Philly row-homes.  What happens is when you break them apart, the long edges don’t get a full dousing with lye, and don’t get the crust.  It’s not quite like when you pull the knot apart, and it’s all soft inside; it’s somewhere in between.  They’re usually sold in multiples, or you can buy the whole office a box of them.  And now chains of pretzel bakeries are springing up all over Philly and the surrounding burbs.

Now the New York pretzel is very New York.  They have a traditional pretzel shape, and are BIG, just like everything in New York.  Where are they made?  It’s none of your business.  How long ago?  Why are you asking so many questions.  But what makes them good is them they’re heated on a street cart over charcoal.  They take on a little of that lighter fluid and Kingsford flavor…a little bit disgusting when you put it in black-and-white, but it’s that warmth that gives it that little extra umph.  You can find them at your favorite dirty-water-dog street vendor.  So, life’s full of risks, and who knows when’s the last time that guy washed his hands, but hey, it’s New York!

Found on Dreamer7112's flickr

My evil plan would be that the New York Football Giants would play the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, and win.  And the twin-bill nightcap of Philly/New York, the Yanks would win Game 4 of the World Series for a sweep.  Now while I’m pretty confident the G-men will beat the Iggles convincingly, especially coming off a loss to the Cardinals, I wouldn’t expect the Yanks to sweep.  I say they do it at home in Game 6, which means they’ll do it in five.

But don’t count out the sweep just yet.  Go Girardi wouldn’t pitch CC Sabathia on Games 1 and 4 if he didn’t think he’d have a very good chance of winning them.  So let’s assume he does win both.  Game 2 is AJ Burnett vs. Pedro “Who’s your Daddy?” Martinez.  Pedro is older, and will have to work very hard against a Yankee lineup that will look at a lot of pitches.  I say he’s doesn’t make four innings.  The Yanks pounce on the underbelly of the the Phillies bullpen and win Game 2.  Game 3, Andy “Mr. Most Wins in Postseason History” Pettitte vs. a shaky Cole Hamels.  Get in Cole’s head, he’ll cough up runs, throw a hissy fit, and the game.  And look at that…a four-game sweep.

Game 2, 2004 ALCS

So you heard it here…book a flight to Vegas, and you can thank me later.  Hell, if the NFL didn’t dick over Delaware, you could have driven here instead.  Well, you could bet on the Giants, but you need two more games for the parlay (sucker) bet.

There's always room on the shelf for one more.

They say early to bed, early to rise.  I didn’t sleep much Sunday night, so I crashed early on Monday night (9pm), got my five hours of sleep, and was up promptly at two.  (Two???)  So what better time than to catch up on what’s on the DVR?

I recorded the last episode of Jay Leno hosting the Tonight Show, and the first episode of Conan O’Brien.  What better way to compare than to watch them back-to-back?

Jay Leno has been and always be a f-stick.  He has shat on the Tonight Show franchise for 17 years of suckitude.  He’s not funny.  I hate his phony greeting the audience, and his constant barrage of low-quality jokes that make up his “monologue”.  Then he goes out on the street (like he invented the bit) and gets stupid people to flub simple questions.  Wow, that’s a stretch.  That being said, this is still the end of an era, and I was thinking I’d see something historic, like when Bette Middler serenaded Johnny Carson.  Or Bill Murray spray painting Letterman’s desk on his first day at CBS.  Nope, not here. 

Now it should come as no shock that I’m a big Letterman fan.  Now while Paul Schaffer drives me nuts, Letterman is a comedic genius.  And his New York humor just strikes a chord with me.  I’ve always despised that snarky Southern California holier-than-thou attitude which Leno’s show just drips with.

I’ve always been a huge Conan fan, but now that I’m in my 30’s, I’m hardly staying up to see an 11:30 monologue, let alone a 12:30 monologue.  But Conan has been steadily flying under the radar and at this point is the quintessential successor to Leno. 

I still thought they should have moved the Tonight Show back to New York (where it was when Carson started), but I guess with the proximity to Hollywood, there is a dearth of potential guests out there.

But Conan has finally returned the Tonight Show franchise to it’s former glory.  The set is outstanding and imposing at the same time.  There are three distinct parts, band stage left, desk stage right, and the curtain in the middle for the monologue and musical guests.  The curtain is definately a throwback to the Carson era.  It’s such a simple and classy touch. 

But finally the quality of the comedy has been restored.  All Leno could do in his last show was a best-of (if you could call it that) of asking stoned Gen X-ers what country the Panama Canal is in.  But Conan’s genius came through with his opening skit highlighting his move from New York.  He checks his to-do list, build set, etc. and last on the list is move to LA.  The camrea pulls back, and you see the Chrysler Building in the background.  So he goes downstairs to hail a cab, and I thought he was going to ask the driver to go to LA (as was hinted the NY Times Magazine last week), but, as we all know, you can never hail a cab when you really need one.  So he just makes a run for it.  Mind you, he’s still in his suit.  Running across the GWB.  Across Wrigley Field.  Over the mountains and through the desert.  He gets to Universal, and he forgets his keys, which are still in New York.

As Conan hinted the people at Universal have been great, and I think he’s going to be like a kid in a candy store filming on the backlot.  It should be more of good things to come.

Now the big question comes what am I going to watch if I do make it up to 11:30?

Now while I’ll be hoisting a pint of Guinness at some point today and toasting the 1/4 Irish I am, there’s one thing that really pisses me off about St. Patrick’s Day.  All these assholes wear 17 different shades of the ugliest green they can find.  And spraypaint their head green.  And drink green beer. 

This shenanigans isn’t only isloated to New York, but since it is the melting pot of the US, let me use them as an example, since they love throwing parades.  I think the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the most famous parade in the country, has spawned many movies, and is nationally televised.  Then I’d say the St. Patrick’s Day parade is the 2nd most famous in the City.  Then there’s the Columbus Day Parade.  Again, lots of cops and firefighters, and a day off for the locals.  Some people will probably have a couple of beers.  But if I go to the parade and act like a stereotypical Italian tough-guy, that behavoir wouldn’t be tolerated.  If I go to the Halloween parade in Greenwich Village and mock homosexuals, that wouldn’t be tolerated either.  Same goes for the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

So why is it OK to put on a red curly wig, leprechaun hat, wear six shades of green, drink your face off, and puke in the gutter?