Blog Psychic, Episode 3

There’s a lot of chatter regarding the predictions for the World Series, especially down here in enemy territory.  Rare is it when the Post and the Daily News have the same back cover…SHUT ROLLINS UP!!! 

My evil plan would be that the New York Football Giants would play the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, and win.  And the twin-bill nightcap of Philly/New York, the Yanks would win Game 4 of the World Series for a sweep.  Now while I’m pretty confident the G-men will beat the Iggles convincingly, especially coming off a loss to the Cardinals, I wouldn’t expect the Yanks to sweep.  I say they do it at home in Game 6, which means they’ll do it in five.

But don’t count out the sweep just yet.  Go Girardi wouldn’t pitch CC Sabathia on Games 1 and 4 if he didn’t think he’d have a very good chance of winning them.  So let’s assume he does win both.  Game 2 is AJ Burnett vs. Pedro “Who’s your Daddy?” Martinez.  Pedro is older, and will have to work very hard against a Yankee lineup that will look at a lot of pitches.  I say he’s doesn’t make four innings.  The Yanks pounce on the underbelly of the the Phillies bullpen and win Game 2.  Game 3, Andy “Mr. Most Wins in Postseason History” Pettitte vs. a shaky Cole Hamels.  Get in Cole’s head, he’ll cough up runs, throw a hissy fit, and the game.  And look at that…a four-game sweep.

Game 2, 2004 ALCS

So you heard it here…book a flight to Vegas, and you can thank me later.  Hell, if the NFL didn’t dick over Delaware, you could have driven here instead.  Well, you could bet on the Giants, but you need two more games for the parlay (sucker) bet.

There's always room on the shelf for one more.

Three Strikes, and Yer Out!

Today is a day that all New Yorkers (including displaced ones like myself) take to heart.  One of the most despecible things to happen not only in this country, but in the history of this planet.  No need to give a replay to history here.  But here’s what pisses me off. 

First of all, it’s been eight years, and the Trade Center site is still a hole in the ground.  The red tape, bickering among interest groups/designers/planners, etc., and we still have nothing to replace the Twin Towers yet.  NYC built two baseball stadiums since 2001.  The Empire State building took 406 days to build.  Clearly the terrorists have won.

But nothing worse is people that profit from 9/11 merchandise.  I’m not talking about all the American flags that were made in Taiwan.  Or the hack CD’s of bad parody songs that not even a two-bit morning zoo show would play.  What pisses me off is what I saw on TV earlier this evening.  The Yanks/O’s were in a rain delay, so we shifted over to the Phils/Mets, and since they’re playing down here, and the rain has already passed, they were actually playing.  Mets batted in the top of the first, and then the Phils came to bat.  But I got confused for a minute because the Mets were wearing red caps.  You know, the ones MLB forced ALL teams to wear (with their own logos in stars and stripes) which were red, even if your team doesn’t wear red anywhere on their uniform.  That means the Yankees, a team that hasn’t changed their uniform since the early part of last century, has to wear a dopey red cap.  It looks horrendous.  And it’s sole purpose is that dopey fans will buy one with their team’s logo.  It is purely for profit.  And that, among other reasons for another rant, is why I’m calling for Bud Selig’s head on a platter.

Know who you’re rooting for…

So tonight’s the All-Star Game.  Anybody who knows me knows I’m a huge baseball fan.  America’s pastime.  Ballparks, beer, and brats.  I’ve travelled countless miles to attend games in numerous stadiums, some of which no longer stand.  I pay through the nose to watch my beloved Yankees on TV, since I don’t live in the home market.  I listen to games on the radio at work, in the car, etc. 

But did you ever realize that a bunch of pansy names the teams have?  Hardly any invoke an image of strength, competitiveness, or machismo.  Then again, many of them were coined in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s.  They spoke a different English back then, which probably began the tradition of naming teams after the most ridiculous stuff.

Like garments.  And by garments, I mean stockings…er…socks: the Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox, and the Cincinnati Reds.  No, the Reds weren’t named after the Communist party, they were the Red Stockings. 

Or birds.  Nothing says fierce like the Baltimore Oriole.  No eagles, raptors or other birds of prey in baseball.  The NFL gets the Falcons.  The NBA gets the Hawks.  Instead we get the O’s or the Toronto Blue Jays or St. Louis Cardinals.  And don’t tell me that blue jays are aggressive towards other birds of their size.  They’re still small.

One of the most non-confrontational names in MLB has to be the San Diego Padres.  And their mascot isn’t that goofy monk but rather the San Diego Chicken.  What do you fear more, poultry or a priest?  (No pedophile punchlines here, please.)  Or what about the Los Angeles Angels?  A cute fluffy Angel with wings and a halo?  Not exactly a warrior.  But really the Angels are named after…

Locations.  The City of Angels.  I’ve never been to LA, nor do I know why they’d name a city after angels.  And the Colorado Rockies.  OK, the mountains are strong, but they don’t move.  The Colorado Avalanche on the other hand is something to fear.  Who wants to get buried alive in moving snow?  The Philadelphia Phillies…are they named after the city or the bad cigar used for smoking pot?  (That one can go either way.)  Or the New York Metropolitans and the New York Yankees?  What the hell is a Met or a Yankee?  Why not just call the Mets the Cosmos (after the girly drink, not the former soccer team)?  And the Yanks are named after the good guys during the Civil War?  Wow, way to be current, especially since they didn’t adopt the name Yankees until almost 50 years after the Civil War!

OK, let’s get the so-called racism out of the way.  Everybody thinks the Indians and the Braves are derogatory names.  But both team names in my opinion invoke a tough, sparring people.  Nobody is saying they can’t handle the firewater.  Or they’re making up for years of racism by opening casinos.  OK, Chief Wahoo straggles the line a little bit.  And I’m getting a little sick of the hillbilly tomahawk chop.  So we have two teams that may qualify for tough status, but they’ll get proverbial asterisks. 

There’s a whole bunch of ambiguous names.  The San Francisco Giants are giant whats?  Kittens?  Cotton Balls?  They’re not the Jolly Green Giant, since it’s the cross-town A’s that are green.  The Oakland A’s have an elephant mascot, but when I hear the name Athletic, the image that comes to mind is early 1900’s circus strongman with the handlebar moustache and knee-high boots, the big trapezoidal hunk of iron with the ring on top that they pick up with one finger, and it says 1000 lbs. on the front of it.  The Washington Nationals kept the wimpy name tradition since they wanted to shed the Senators name.  And the Minnesota Twins…what can I say?

The Los Angeles Dodgers used to be the Brooklyn Trolley-Dodgers.  There aren’t any trolleys in Brooklyn any more, and neither are the Dodgers.  The name just doesn’t make sense for LA, just like the Lakers, named after what, the Hollywood Reservoir?

Until I did the research for this piece, I never knew the Kansas City Royals were named after the annual rodeo held there.  Again, clueless as to why…

There’s a bunch of occupations.  The Seattle Mariners.  We all know the fellows on the Deadliest Catch are the real tough guys.  So who exactly are the Seattle Mariners named after, ferryboat operators?  The Texas Rangers?  I’d only be scared if they were the Walker, Texas Rangers, with a picture of Chuck Norris on the caps.  Now the Houston Colt .45s had a cool name.  It was the gun that won the west.  But it didn’t matter as they were named after the Astrodome, which was named after the importance of the space industry in Houston.  I only think of space and Houston in the same sentence when I hear  “Houston, we have a problem.”  They couldn’t come up with Oil Rigger?  Oh, that rhymes with a bad word, so that’s why the NFL team probably used the name Oilers. 

Then there’s the Milwaukee Brewers.  Bernie Brewer can’t slide into a mug any more.  Ooooo…scary beer.  If he can’t slide into a mug any more just go ahead and change the team name already to the Two-Faces (not to be confused with the Twins), named after Bud Selig. 

The Florida Marlins are named after a fish.  And while the Tampa Bay Rays used to be named after deadly sting rays, they’re now opting for the more tranquil sunshine rays. 

The Arizona Diamondbacks are named after deadly rattlesnakes.  But for those of us who don’t live in the desert, why not just call them Rattlesnakes?

The Cubs are named after bears, but not Da Bears.  They’re cute cuddly cubs, which puts them on the level of teddy bears.  That leaves one team.

The Detroit Tigers.  It’s obvious.  Pretty to look at, but they’re maul you to death.  The command respect.  And you have to respect any team that played that long at the corner of Michigan and Trumball. Good thing they didn’t name the team after the auto industry.

I’m not about advocating for changing names of teams, because they’ve been ingrained into our culture.  I don’t want to root for the New York Toughguys.  And I’ll never root for the Boston Can’t-Pronounce-The-Letter-R’s. 

And it’s just a silly team name, and nothing more.

Imagine what could have been…

Everybody waxes poetic about the Dodgers and Giants leaving New York, but there were two other baseball teams that headed west for greener pastures: the Washington Senators (twice), and the Philadelphia Athletics.  The A’s headed to KC after the 1954 season, and on to Oakland in 1968.  But did Philadelphia get rid of the wrong team?  Sure they just won the World Series, and their popularity here has finally surpassed the Iggles.  But what if the Phils shipped off and the A’s stuck around?  Three World Series titles in a row in the 70’s?  Reggie Jackson playing in Philly?  Does he get traded to Baltimore and eventually sign with the Yanks?  Reggie Pretzels instead of Reggie Bars?  But even more so, the team colors would match the logo with the corporate sponsor of the new ballpark, Citizens Bank.  Hmmm…

Any questions?

From time to time, I’ll throw out the phrases, “Say what you mean and mean what you say,” and, “Hear me now and understand me later.”  And one of my favorites from stolen from Don Geronimo, “Lear to listen; listen to learn.” 

But people throw out phrases where they think will help society, but they’re taken all wrong.  Lucky for you, I’m here to help.

“Question everything.”  You seriously can’t question everything.  It’s impossible.  You have to go on in life just taking some things for granted.  Gravity, breathing, the Phighting Phils won the World Series last year, etc.  You can’t question facts.  What people should say is, “Question why.”  Why don’t I float off into space?  Can I live without breathing.  How the hell did the Phils and Tampa Bay sneak under the radar and shock the country into making the World Series?

“Question authority.”  These people are just asses.  Authority is in place to prevent chaos and anarchy.  You don’t have to agree with the powers that be, but they’re in place for a reason.  Question their motives, question their policies, but when a Connecticut state trooper pulls you over for doing 75 on I-84, then is not the time to mouth off to him saying you’re following your inalienable right for the pursuit of happiness.   Walking up and ringing the Liberty Bell with a 12 pound sledge is not “freedom of speech”.  It’s a shortcut to the pokey.  And to the top of the list of people Philadelphians hate the most.

What we should really do is question why or question how.  What’s the thinking behind that?  How does that work.  Why was that built that way?  Curiosity is healthy!  Google is your friend.   Knowledge is power.  Enough of it will get you onto Jeopardy.

But here’s a good one I learned on the old Don and Mike Show:  “Don’t answer a question with a question!”  But by that, when somebody asks you a question, give them a direct answer, not their same question hashed back.  “Did you eat the cake?”  “Did I eat the cake?”  NO!  Man up!  Admit it or flat out lie, but DON’T ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION!!!

Confused yet?